Recipe for disaster

Miguel Tejada

You will need:

• 1 video clip of Tejada hitting (2011) -- Doesn't matter when -- even when he gets a hit, it tends to look bad.
• 2 video clips of Tejada fielding (2011) -- The first is usually enough, but you will probably need the 2nd one to prove to yourself that he really looks that immobile and slow
• 1 Tejada double -- He will do that silly "spotlight" gesture and annoy you
• 3 Tejada post-non-productive out -- he'll toss his helmet, slam his bat into the turf, smack the rail on the way into the dugout...he'll let you know, in some way, that making an out wasn't what he intended to do, in case you weren't sure. And he'll do it almost every time. And annoy you.
• Medium Saucepan

You may be able to get all of the ingredients for this recipe in one game...and before you ask, yes, there are medium saucepans available at the game. You may have to break into a few tailgate-equipped SUV's to get one, but they can be had.

Once you have what you need, just mix everything together in the saucepan under low heat. Caution: never use high heat, because any recipe with Tejada can't handle the high heat.

Simmer for about 3 hours, since that's about how long you have to simmer while watching a Giants game with Tejada in it. While simmering, add in expletives to taste.

When it's finished...and by the way, anything made with Tejada in 2011 is finished, trust me...then put it on a paper plate, and stick a fork in it!

Warning: putting anything made with Tejada in 2011 on something that isn't disposable is...well, a waste. Sure, sure, you paid a price for it that dictates the finest of China, but no matter how you prepare the Tejada, it always comes out overcooked. You shouldn't have bought it in the first place.